So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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