my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
