Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You pole danced in your parka.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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