he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
