I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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