You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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