You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
