I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
