I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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