Define "chronic" masturbator.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
