i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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