apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
