so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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