i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize