There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
