Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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