Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
