remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
