They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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