I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
40s are totally the cure
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
