Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
