apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
