my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
