She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
