defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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