He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
