you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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