tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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