If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
