matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
