She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight