the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
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there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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