i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
