Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
