He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
