If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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