My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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