Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
