I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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