Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
