If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
