I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
