this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
