my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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