happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
