mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
