I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize