It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
