Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
