Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How does one acquire holy water?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
