Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
