The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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