I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
