my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
