stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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