You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
