First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.