ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.