Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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