Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
